reaction to anger and frustration." Knowing this does not make it easier
when my daughter's ballistic contortions are punctuated by her piercing
screams. There has got to be a way to end this agony! Ideas, please!
Think about it: You're right, it's normal for children to have tantrums.
But your response to them will determine if they keep having them and
having them and having them.
Create a "Tantrum Place": Let your child know in advance that all
tantrums will take place in one specific room, such as her bedroom, the
bathroom or the laundry room. When a tantrum starts, you can escort your
child to the "tantrum room" with one brief comment: "You can come out when
you're done." If she comes out of the room, and she's still having the
tantrum, just lead her back repeating, "You can come out when you're done."
At first your child may spend the whole day in the tantrum room, but she'll
quickly find out that tantrums are no fun without an audience!
Help develop self-control: If your child has tantrums and can't seem to
calm herself down, it's best to teach her how to control herself. Do this
by enveloping her in a hug and rocking her with soothing words, "It's okay.
Calm down." When the tantrum is winding down, distract her by washing her
face or giving her a drink of water. Do not give in to the child's original
request, and stay calm yourself. At a quiet time, begin to teach your child
what to do when she gets angry (what words and actions are appropriate).
Take away the audience: As long as your child's tantrum is not dangerous to
her or to property, feel free to say, "I'm leaving the room. Come and get
me when you're done." And do just that. Busy yourself with something else,
and wait patiently for your child to calm down.
Big-kid tantrums? Make an agreement with an older child who displays
tantrum behavior that when she starts to lose control, you're going to ask
her to go to her room to cool off. If she doesn't go immediately to her
room when asked, she will lose a privilege (decide in advance what that
might be -- telephone, TV, bike riding, for example) or she'll be assigned
an extra chore. This is, of course, in addition to the fact that she still
gets to go to her room to calm down.
Use distraction: When you see your child beginning to lose control,
distract her before the tantrum can turn into a full-blown outburst.
Preventative measures: Avoid tantrums by offering your child choices.
Instead of saying, "Get ready for bed right now," which may provoke a
tantrum, offer a choice, "What would you like to do first, put on your
pajamas or brush your teeth?" In addition, you may be able to elude
tantrums by avoiding the situations that most likely set your child off,
such as allowing her to become overtired, overhungry or overstimulated.
Take note: If your child has frequent intense tantrums it would be wise to
talk with your pediatrician, a counselor or a family therapist.
Wait! Wait! I have another question: Handling tantrums at home is one
thing. But what about in public? My child yells, stomps, screams and throws
his body onto the floor when he doesn't get his way. He does this in public
places, like the grocery store, toy store or restaurant -- anywhere there's
an interested audience. I feel like my hands are tied when everyone's
watching us.
Think about it: The first time your child acted this way in public, you
were probably caught off guard. In your embarrassment, you did everything
you could to stop the tantrum. If you had looked closely, you would have
seen a little twinkle appear in your child's eye as he realized he had
discovered a new way to get what he wants.
Prepare in advance: Use a preventive approach by reviewing desired behavior
prior to entering a public building. "Eric, we're going into the toy store
now. We are going to buy a birthday gift for Troy. We are not buying
anything for ourselves today. If you see something you like, let me know,
and I'll put it on your wish list. I want you to remember to walk beside me
and keep your hands to yourself."
Be reasonable: While you may be concentrating on your tasks, your child has
been shoved in and out of his car seat and ushered from place to place
enduring endless hours looking at grown-up knees. You may be able to
prevent tantrums by bringing along a toy or snack to keep your child
occupied. Also, get him involved by having him select groceries, find the
shoe store, read the menu to you or any other "busy work." The positive
attention and focused activity will keep him too busy to worry about having
a tantrum.
Get out of dodge: When a tantrum starts, put your face next to your child's
ear and announce, "Stop now or we go out to the car." If he doesn't stop,
pick him up or lead him to the car. Sit him in the back seat while you
stand outside the door (or, in foul weather, sit in the front seat and
pointedly ignore him). An alternative to the car is to find a secluded
bench or quiet corner. If he doesn't stop quickly, and you can change your
schedule, go home. Send him to his room for a specified time (about 3
minutes for every year of age, for example, or 15 minutes for a 5 year
old.) The extra time it takes to do this once or twice will establish great
credibility and can save you from many painful hours at the mall with an
obstinate teenager.
Get HIS attention: Get eye level with your child and say, "Follow me."
Break eye contact and begin to walk away. Walk slowly where he can see you.
Many children will follow. If yours doesn't, stop a short distance away and
wait, pretending interest in something else, while you wait. After a few
minutes pass, and your child has calmed down, you can approach your child,
hold him by the hand, and say, "Let's go now."
Use a poker face. Deal with it later: Stand above your child with arms
crossed and a stern face. Say nothing. When the tantrum is over, complete
your errands. When you return home, announce that since your child had a
tantrum while you were out, he will suffer a consequence now (no dessert
after dinner, staying inside, missing his TV show or going to bed early).
Do this once, then use it as your "ace in the hole." At the next public
tantrum say, "Stop now or you will stay inside when we get home, like you
did last week." You child will remember and know you mean business.
Set up a training session: If public tantrums are a regular occurrence,
plan a training session. Go to the grocery store. Buy a few staples and put
a nice assortment of your child's favorite goodies in the cart (potato
chips, ice cream and cookies). Walk around long enough for your child to
have the expected tantrum. Walk the cart over to the register and announce
to the cashier that you'll have to leave the groceries and go home because
your child is misbehaving. (Smile at the cashier and she'll probably smile
back, happy to see at least one customer controlling her child!) Then go
home. Your child will most likely comment on the loss of the goodies. Just
say, "Oh, well, some other time." Expect great, loud unhappiness, but
long-term value!
If all else fails: After an unpleasant experience, plan an outing and leave
your child at home with a baby sitter. Explain that the tantrum she had the
day before is the reason why she is staying home. Expect crying, screaming
and pleading, but be firm. Doing this once has an impact that lasts a long
time.
by Elizabeth Pantle
