Why Trying to Fix Him or Her Never Works

Did you know that the most common mistake women make is to marry a man with
the intention of making him over into the man she hopes he will become. The
paradox in this make over attempt is that even if successful, it can't
really work.

If he was still a child at heart when they married, he probably married her
because he needed mothering. And if she succeeds in her attempt to make a
man out of him, he will no longer need a mother. He must then fly the coup
in order to find someone who will be a closer match for who he is now
BEING. This happens in marriages more often than you might imagine.

In one case I remember, the subject of the makeover attempt, strayed from
the nest to have an affair with a younger woman. When he came "back to
Mama" confessing his sins, saying "I'm sorry'", she wouldn't accept his
apology. She considered him damaged goods and refused to accept him back
into the nest. She assumed the role of "the wife betrayed," a "poor me" victim.

Her victim story: "I spent years making him over into the man I wanted him
to be, and now that I've succeeded, he has betrayed my trust by going to
bed with another woman." She never forgave him and the marriage quite
naturally ended in divorce.

This woman made several mistakes (in my opinion).

She didn't marry the man for who he was, but for who she thought he could
become.

She made him wrong in the process of trying to make him into "Mr. Right"
and he therefore didn't really like himself that much when with her.

When he sought elsewhere for the approval he needed, but couldn't find with
her, she refused to see that she had any responsibility whatsoever in what
happened to their marriage.

She took the stand, "I'm right / he's wrong," thereby becoming the victim
of his straying from the nest. I hope you can see this as the victim story
it is.

Notice that her love for him had conditions. That's not real love. "Love,
(my definition) is the space we create for each other to be who we are."
That's the definition of unconditional love and it's also God's love for you.

One of the key elements necessary to a loving relationship is, "Your
significant other must like him or herself when with you." If you're trying
to "fix" your relationship partner with a make over, you're sending a
message that he or she is not okay the way he or she is. That person won't
feel loved and won't like him/herself when with you.

It doesn't take rocket-science to predict the outcome of your relationship
if either party doesn't like him/herself when with the other.

You'd be wise to realize that any attempt to make over your significant
other would just naturally be doomed from the start. The only sure way to
change him or her would be to change yourself first. If you have a
relationship problem, ask yourself, "Who would I be BEING if that were no
longer a problem."

One of the wisest ways of looking at this question is to realize that you
probably needed the problem as a stepping stone for growing. At least
that's been my experience with the problems I've faced and been able to
rise above. Without our problems, there'd be no growing!

Hope that helps.

Please get that all relationship problems get solved, only after you've
made the BEING shift that would change your perspective on the perceived
problem.

Author: Darel Rutherford